Car Talk with Car Man

Hey there, car fans! Car blogger Car Man here with his first installment of Car Talk with Car Man.

When you meet me, the first thing you will notice about me is my car. It is the latest model of car, four doors for easy entry and exit, with a slick black paint job and heavily tinted windows. The tints are crucial because nobody who’s not in a car is worthy to gaze upon the majesty that is Car Man.

Car Man lives in Muntinlupa City, the South. The South is car country. Down here, we love cars, and Car Man is no exception. We have the South Luzon Expressway, built so that our cars can go FAST. In fact, that’s why they call it an EXPRESSway. Ha, ha! Just a little car humour for you from Car Man, the car guy.

As you might guess from his name, Car Man goes everywhere in his car, with no exceptions. Some people may say, “Car Man, having a car in Metro Manila gives you more options, but aren’t there times when it might be easier to not take your car? For example, when you have to go to Greenbelt or Glorietta by yourself, wouldn’t it be more practical to take a comfortable aircon express bus for 40 pesos than to spend 160 pesos each way on toll alone, plus gas and those hefty Makati parking fees, plus the stress of freeway driving and Makati traffic?” But of course, Car Man knows that “practical” is just another way of saying “too poor to take your car everywhere all the time, no matter how inconvenient it is”. If Car Man started occasionally travelling in vehicles that were not cars, he would no longer be Car Man. And aside from the loss of status, can you imagine all the paperwork involved in legally changing his name to Bus Man?

Besides, do you know how much car Man makes? It’s a lot of money compared to someone who makes a lot less money than him! True, he may spend a quarter of his income on gas, toll and car loan payments, but that is a small price to pay for the freedom and status that come with being Car Man. Even if Car Man sometimes has to borrow money for his mother’s diabetes medication, at least he always has money for toll. Because really, once you make a certain amount of money here, you have to be a Car Man. Once you’re in this income bracket, you need to hang out at the kinds of high-end places where Car Men are expected to hang out, and you need to go there in your shiny new car. It is important to give clear, frequent indicators of what socioeconomic class you identify with. Otherwise, what would your friends think? They might think you’re kuripot or jologs or baduy. Car Man is none of those things; he is a cool guy with a car. Hey ladies, check out my car! Let us engage in sexual intercourse in the back seat of Car Man’s car.

By the way, do you know what Car Man hates? Jeepney drivers! They stop abruptly in the middle of the road to pick up and drop off passengers, without considering the inconvenience they cause to Car Man and other men and women in cars. Jeepneys and buses are obviously the sole cause of Metro Manila’s traffic problem. If each person in those jeepneys and buses were driving their own Pajero, the traffic problem would disappear.

Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed the first edition of Car Talk with Car Man, and I look forward to talking cars with you again soon. I’m Car Man, and I love my car. Because in Metro Manila, there is literally no other way to travel.